STOP PRESS

Historic Partnership  

It was announced today that the Bucks Freedom Press will officially link with the Bucks Free Press. In a landmark decision the Editor of the Bucks Free Press approved the reciprocal arrangement, saying "we’re flattered you have created a site parodying bucksfreepress.co.uk." After throwing out a complaint about a previous link placed on Ivor's blog, he stated  "We are happy for you to now continue linking to your site from ours".


He went on to confirm that he "likes" the Bucks Freedom Press site. This ground breaking development proves that Steve the Chicken is nothing if not a good sport. Unfortunately a small minority of other members of the Zoo have been a little ruffled by our hard hitting journalistic style although we can assure our readers that no animals were harmed in the making of this blog.


Ivor has been informed of the decision although his reaction is not yet known.

More as we get it.

http://www.bucksfreepress.co.uk/news/    News, sports and leisure coverage from High Wycombe, Beaconsfield, Marlow and Buckinghamshire

http://www.bucksfreepress.co.uk/yoursay/opinion/blogs/profile/17347/  Have YOU read Ivor’s blog today?


Let us know what YOU think by posting a comment and having your say!

Rehab for Keyboard Warriors?

National News

Microsafe today announced the launch of the self censoring keyboard, designed to help those warriors who just can’t help themselves. Built in sensors will be able to detect the mood of the user, in order to determine if he/she is experiencing negative emotion and anger.

Once detected, it will initially trigger soothing music to be played to the warrior, in order to calm him down.

 If this is not successful, a recorded message will be played to encourage the sad loser warrior to move away from the keyboard and engage in a more worthwhile activity, such as watching repeats of TOWIE in his pants and vest.

Failing that, the keyboard will monitor the sequence of keys being hit. If it detects any derogatory terminology, abuse or unpleasant language it will emit a series of electric shocks. These will increase in intensity depending on the level of offensiveness.

The new technology was cautiously welcomed today by anti-bullying groups. “This could be just the weapon we need to educate these social inadequates misguided souls” said a spokesman for SOB (Stamp out Bullying).

However, there was concern from other quarters. The Duck breeders Association, The Carp Society, Federation of Shot Putters and Tanker Drivers Association all claimed that one small typo in their correspondence could have serious consequences. The Wendover Rugger Club were unavailable for comment.



Heve YOU have been affected by any of the issues in this blog?
Have your say - leave a comment at the bottom of this page.

 

The Urban Dictionary definition of a Keyboard Warrior is:

 1. A Person who, being unable to express his anger through physical violence (owning to their physical weakness, lack of bravery and/or conviction in real life), instead manifests said emotions through the text-based medium of the internet, usually in the form of aggressive writing that the Keyboard Warrior would not (for reasons previously mentioned) be able to give form to in real life.

2. The term is a combination of the word 'keyboard' (the main tool by which the person expresses his/her latent rage) and 'warrior' (due to the warrior-like aggression, tendency towards violence, headstrong nature and propensity towards brute force as a means of resolving conflict rather than more subtle means dependant on finesse).

3. The Keyboard Warrior seeks to use the power imbued in his 'weapon' to effect death and destruction (in a strictly-metaphorical sense) upon his foes (other virtual identities he has encountered on the internet). In essence, the keyboard (i.e. text input ability) allows the keyboard warrior to manifest his true warrior nature in a safe and removed environment, from which no real-life repercussions.

4. Keyboard Warriors are generally identified by unnecessary rage in their written communications, and are regarded as 'losers' by other virtual identities on the internet.

	http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=keyboard%20warrior

Bucks Freedom Press NEWS 

Time after Time      

Once dubbed an exciting new book, this publication has now been flogged  to death. Why not encourage your friends and family to purchase several copies so that we can finally put this advertisement to rest. Please help.


NEWS     + Send us your news, pictures and videos so we don't have to bother to leave the office  
                                   

TRAFFIC ALERT   M25, Berkshire

Reports of queuing traffic and long delays due to earlier incident. Travel time is around 40 minutes.

UPDATE   It was erroneously reported earlier that this was due to an accident and a shed load of five tonnes of manure. It was in fact a shed load of unsold local newspapers which were destined for recycling.

HS2 scheme scrapped

The Government announced today that it is abandoning its plans for a high speed rail link between London and Birmingham. Instead, it has decided to introduce the 24.5 hour day as from January 1st 2014. The scheme is likely to save £32 billion. By extending each day by 30 minutes, rich business people will be able to travel on the existing train line and still have enough time in the day to make even more money.

This is welcome news for residents of the Chilterns, who will have another half an hour a day to appreciate the wonderful countryside that surrounds them.  Environmentalists are reported to be delighted at the news. Wildlife habitats are no longer under threat from the planned HS2, although there are concerns as to how the dawn chorus will be affected by the extra 30 minutes in the day.

The changes will create thousands of jobs in the clock and watch making industry.  A statement from The British Horological Institute is expected later today.

How will YOU be affected by these changes?
Have your say - leave a comment at the bottom of this page.

New Transport System mooted for High Wycombe

Following a suggestion from Mr. Plus ça change, Wycombe District Council is in negotiations with the Mayor of London to purchase the “Boris Cable Cars” in ten years time, after the £36m sponsorship deal with Dubai-based airline Emirates comes to an end. The cable car system, which will ferry visitors over the Thames between the O2 Arena and the ExCel exhibition centre, has cost £60m and the shortfall needs to be financed with public money.

 Wycombe District Council has already received back over £2m of taxpayers' cash tied up in the Icelandic bank collapse. If re-invested wisely and saved for a rainy day, there should be “considerably more” by 2022. The council already has £41m in reserve, although the Lib Dems are keen to spend some of that to “help” residents now.

However, the majority of that fund is already committed to the Major Project Projects Programme to spend on major projects. This would be for major projects like the new Handy Cross Sports Centre, unless the controversial stadium plan is resurrected. It has been said that the majority were in favour of it but that has been refuted after a major poll was carried out.

If Wycombe District Council is successful in its bid for the cable car system it should solve many of the existing transport problems in the area and reduce congestion. It is also expected to become a major tourist attraction. Local people will also be able to get an aerial view of all the assets sold off by their Council.

What do YOU think? Will this solve our transport problems or could the money be better spent elsewhere?

Have your say - leave a comment at the bottom of this page.

Rare visitor at popular sandwich spot

Pelican

A pelican has taken up residence in the grounds of All Saints Parish Church. It is believed to have been attracted by an abundance of fish paste sandwiches.

Resident pigeons are unhappy about the foreign visitor. Their spokesman, who would only identify himself as Clive, said “This is just another example of how Columba livia are treated as second class citizens. We were promised purpose-built housing six years ago. The council spent £3,000 on a state of the art dovecot but refused to stump up the £5,520 to install it. Outrageous! We were quite happy to maintain it ourselves. Now immigrants are allowed to fly in and take away our food supply. We should have equal rights.” 

The pigeons are considering relocating to join an existing colony at Frogmoor. “The diet over there is mainly chicken, burgers and chips, with very little fish. But there is an abundance of food so no-one will go hungry. What’s more, pretty much anything goes so we are unlikely to be persecuted as long as we don’t get too near any down and outs.”

Do YOU think the pelican should stay? Or should the dovecote finally be installed?

Have your say - leave a comment at the bottom of this page.

Police called to illegal rave

Bigun Hall

Police were called to an illegal rave at the well known landmark Bigun Hall over the Easter weekend.  Party goers breached the grand entrance gates and entered the extensive grounds of the estate while the owner, Mr Ivor Bigun, was at a neighbour’s house watching television. A large crowd of about 150 people gathered at the location and set up sound equipment next to the South Pavilion.  The loud music attracted complaints to the police from more than 2 local residents. When police arrived at the scene scuffles broke out and a large greenhouse had several panes of glass broken. Highly specialist tomato plants and hydroponic equipment were also damaged. 

One partygoer, who would only give his name as Albert, said that “People want to have a party. No-one wants any trouble. People are here just to have a good time. We have heard a lot about this place and we just wanted to see what it was like and party the night away”

An eyewitness said, “Police initially thought that the Hall had been broken into when they saw the state of the place but it turned out that wasn’t the case”. Mr Bigun was too upset to be interviewed but was said to be distraught at the state of his fescues. 

Were YOU there? Can you offer Mr Bigun assistance in cleaning up?
Have your say - leave a comment at the bottom of this page.

Local community's concern over vicious attacks



Clyde the rogue duck

Villagers living in Bores End are worried about a rogue duck which has invaded their stretch of the River Why. They believe it was a domesticated duck which has been dumped there because of its aggressive tendencies.

Local resident, Mr Bill Platypus says “There was always a bit of good-natured squabbling, but generally the ducks all used to get on really well. Then one day this bedraggled, unkempt old duck turned up and started attacking the other ducks. To start with, they didn’t seem too worried and just backed off and let him get on with it. But the rogue drake just kept pecking away at them and making a nuisance of itself. The once calm waters became rather stormy and now the villagers are concerned that the rogue will cause irrevocable damage to the local wildfowl.

The problem will be discussed at an emergency meeting of the Local Residents’ Association tonight. One option is to request the RSPCA to remove the drake, who villagers have called Clyde, before someone takes the matter into their own hands. Mrs Campbell, who lives near the river, says “Maybe if he had a mate it would calm him down a bit. But no self-respecting duck is going to have anything to do with such an unpleasant character”.

Can YOU offer a good home to Clyde? Are you able to rehabilitate this duck?

Have your say - leave a comment at the bottom of this page.

Late News

A middle aged man from the High Wycombe area was arrested outside the offices of the Bucks Freedom Press last night. He was wearing short trousers and a schoolboy's cap while shouting obscenities. Despite a huge number of placards it was unclear what the protest was about.

 More news as we get it.   

VACANCY    Work experience Opportunity. Moderator urgently needed for local newspaper. This position has been newly created to allow our journalists more time for drinking tea and playing online poker. We don’t have the time or interest in reading the valued comments on our online edition but the editor takes all complaints seriously. This unpaid position will prevent him having to deal with any.

    Just in :           Severe Weather Warning for Loudwater! 

 Localised Pestilence and Flood expected within the next 24hrs

This Weather Widget is provided by the Met Office

The BFP Zoo ....... Updated 5th May







Lawrence the Jackass

Always wants to be the centre of attention so I am happy to oblige. Just this once. I must thank Lawrence for inspiring this blog. He is rude, objectionable and a total bore.I was staggered to discover that he believes that anyone who doesn't use their real name when posting on the internet is a "character" and not a real person. In his small mind, this means he can launch personal attacks on other posters because " if you are appearing under a fantasy name it can hardly embarrass you - only your character - no one knows who it is".  So total strangers don't have feelings? I wonder how he treats the customers in the shop where he volunteers?  Lawrence uses his real name, as well as Clyde the Retired Police Horse, Sanders the Telephone Butler - so funny :-(  This means he is easily traceable but obviously this doesn't worry such a likeable person.

Favourite words : "SEX!" "EVIL" You must draw your own conclusions. 

Here are a selection of recent fan quotes:

"Yawn Lawrence. Give it a rest."  ""MUMBLES

"Why do we always have to put up with the draconian immature ranting's of this juvenile idiot in every mailing? No I'm not referring to Ivor, but that extremely boring ImperturbableLawrence. This 'persons' comments just put me off from reading what others have to commenton about Ivor's blog, and I expect that others are also of the same opinion." DAEMONITE

"I agree, he seems to come across as very immature and attention seeking." IVOR'S BEST FRIEND

"Yes indeed. I propose that the BFP adopts Arizona's House Bill 2549. It would make it a lot easier for Steve Cohen to weed out troublemakers" PROCOPIUS!

If passed the Bill will make it  unlawful for any person, with intent to intimidate harass, annoy or offend, to use ANY ELECTRONIC OR DIGITAL DEVICE ......and.........unlawful to otherwise disturb by repeated anonymous ELECTRONIC OR DIGITAL COMMUNICATIONS the peace, quiet or right of privacy of any person at the place where  COMMUNICATIONS were received."

   

Steve The Chicken is a great fan of free speech. He talks of a vibrant community in a safe online environment but is reluctant to take action against anyone who offends, ridicules or posts malicious views unless they are actually obscene. Then it becomes an offence under Section 127 of the Communications Act 2003.

Richard Bacon has written a very interesting article for the BBC News Magazine.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-17399027

Perhaps we could learn from Dom Joly? Read his article "Troll Wars" here

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/dom-joly/troll-wars_1_b_913774.html



 

Alberto the Goat

 (actually I couldn't decide between a goat OR a dog with a bone )

Endlessly repeats unsuitable things it has read about. 
Has trust issues. Favourite word "LIAR!"




Ivor the Dinosaur

Ivor's job is to provoke comment and he excels at this. He comes from the Liz Jones School of Journalism and has been annoying readers for years. Despite this, he attracted many witty and intelligent posters. His blog had a real community feel to it which was fun to read.  Unfortunately, many felt that he overstepped the line six months ago and moved to another site. Who can blame them? That was the start of Lawrence and Alberto's reign of terror. They soon moved in and grew in confidence.
"Like a good pub a good blog should encourage (and protect) the diversity and richness of all human conversations that pass there" MICK FEALTY The Telegraph
Sadly, Ivor and Steve the Chicken fail to appreciate this.

  





Lorraine loves Ivor and is his most ardent fan.




Morag - can't stand rude, ignorant people



Edna - exotic old bird
Darling of the literati



   


Procopius! - Waspish with a sting in
the tail

   

  

JBB -Witty, intelligent and talented.

 OLD FRIENDS GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN - LEAVE ME A COMMENT AND SAY HELLO!

Demoness - Always ready to wade in



 

  

Mel - Animal Lover not afraid to speak her  mind




Nic - Independent thinker
never afraid to raise her head above the parapet

 
   

The Wise PCC - comments always good value and highly respected

  

Brachyura - World Record Holder
Rarely seen but always makes a welcome contribution when he turns up.
Would like to hear more from him 

       

 

TomMarlow - Confident. Self Assured. Articulate.  "My recommendation is to become a Guardian reader - not only do you acquire a much "greener" lifestyle, but you get to feel pretty smug about it too"



     

Kent - He ASKED for it :-)

                                                                                   

Rebecca - Prickly with a tendency to rub

people up the wrong way



Usvelt - Sheep in Wolf's Clothing
Bleats on endlessly.....


  

A Voter

 


                             

Piggy Dave has an unhealthy obsession with sandwiches (and BBC2!)



 

Got any biscuits?

No, sorry I ate them all. Have a nice carrot stick instead?



Ivor's Best Friend

 "Waiting out the Storm"


The following frames are left blank because they are always drowned out by Lawrence. We are never given a chance to get to know them. How many other voices are waiting to be heard? How many have been put off, never to return?

 Who would you like me to put inside?